Monday, March 10, 2008
The Tools at the Hardware Store
One of the best things about owning a fixer-upper is getting to shop at the boy stores. Boy stores include, but are not limited to The Home Depot, Lowes, Busy Beaver, etc. Only a boy would name a store "Busy Beaver." And a hardware store, nonetheless. Where you get nails, and hammers, and air wrenches. Can you see all the possibilities? Only a boy, readers. Only a boy.
My favorite thing about shopping at boy stores is all the charming looks you get from male customers when you're a hot, young woman who is by herself. It's the kind of look Hilary Clinton would get if she showed up at the Playboy mansion. Or Britney Spears if she showed up at a Self-Respect Convention.
Something like this.
I sometimes get a kick out of imagining men's inner monologue.
"Hmm. I wonder what that big breasted woman is doing here without a man. How's she going to know what she needs? Maybe she's one of those lesbian types. Oooh, lesbian types."
Or if I'm shopping with my sister: "Oooh, hot lesbian types."
Side note: I bought a pair of work boots last week, I own a tool box, a tool belt and three saws among various other power tools. It is entirely possible that I am a lesbian type. But certainly not with my sister. Gross.
I was at the Home Depot about a month ago, picking up a bunch of materials for my bathroom closet. And can I just say, that closet looks bad.ass. I made that closet my bitch, ya'll. I had one of those flat bed carts loaded up with some MDF (that's medium density fiberboard for you straight girls), shelf tracking, brackets, saw horses, base board trim, etc. So, I'm pushing this heavy ass cart around with some effort and I pass these two guys. As I'm making my way down the aisle to checkout I hear one of them say, "What's she doing with all that wood?
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I not allowed to purchase this much wood? Is there a wood ration I haven't heard about? Or is this 1941 Germany and my breasts are akin to a Star of David armband, therefore, I am not permitted to buy, sell or trade in this store? WTF, dude!! What am I doing with all this wood? I'm shoving it up your ass, you misogynistic dickhead.
I took his picture with my cell phone, so Ladies, if you see him, make sure you kick him in the happy sac for me. Tell him, "That's what she's doing with all that wood, Bitch."
The employees at the big chains are just as bad as the customers. I'm not including "The Beave" in that because the employees there are wonderfully helpful and kind and not at all condescending. I love "The Beave." See? Only a boy. Unfortunately, there are some things you just can't find at the Busy Beaver. Like a clitoris, if you're a man. Even I can't resist making a Busy Beaver joke. I've gotta be a lesbian. Add that to my list of issues. Number 3: Closet lesbianism. Side note: I do not have a problem with lesbians. Please don't send me hate mail. Thank you.
Back to the boy stores.
There are two types of male employees at the Home Depot: the type that is extremely helpful and chases you down to see if you need assistance in finding something or the type that you have to chase down for help and that proceeds to make fun of you while reluctantly giving it once you catch them. I've had both, and I much prefer the pursuant type, although they tend to drool on female customers. I'll take it as long they show me how to install ceramic tile.
The other kind do not even try to hide their disdain. They just try to hide. As if they're not getting paid to help you. HELLO!?! "The Home Depot. You can do it. We can HELP!?!" It's not, "The Home Depot. You may be able to do it. We'll help if we feel like it. But only if you're not a woman. If you are, we're sure you have a husband, father or brother you can ask for advice. If you don't, there's a Busy Beaver right down the street."
So, this is really going to make me sound like a lesbian, but Ladies, if you need a tool or advice I strongly suggest you head to the Beave.