Monday, March 17, 2008
The Little Red Lock
Ok, I am 28 years old. I am married. I wear my rings. So I am not at all embarrassed to walk into K-Mart and take a box of condoms and a bottle of Astroglide (bow chicka bow bow) to the register and check out. Not in the least. You may think it's strange that two people who've been in a monogamous relationship for over 5 years still use rubbers. There's a reason for this. Actually, two reasons. One is that due to my family medical history it is dangerous for me to be on hormonal birth control. The second reason is I'm convinced that 1/2 the effectiveness of said birth control is that is makes you not want to have sex. Plus, when I'm on hormones I'm like that hot chick in "Army of Darkness" after she makes out with bad Ash. I'm not a very nice girl.
I discovered that K-Mart no longer stocks the brand of condoms that Mr. Pitsberger prefers. I personally couldn't give two shits what kind of rubbers we use, but he refuses to wear Trojans and he's had a bad experience with Durex. He likes the Lifestyles Ultra-Sensitive "Almost like wearing nothing at all brand." That was probably a bit more than you wanted or needed to know about our chosen prophylactics. But I digress. Since K-mart doesn't have them anymore, I tried Target. No use. The last place I had seen them was Rite-Aid. So, I march into Rite-Aid and since it's Easter and there's candy all up in my face, I cannot resist grabbing a bag of mini Reese's cups, a package of marshmallow Peeps (the bunny ones) a box of Cadbury creme eggs and a pack of 1 dozen mini Cadbury creme eggs (better than the full size ones because they don't put you on a sugar high for three days) adorably packaged in a little egg carton. Then I'm off to the "Family Planning" section. Yes, it says that. What it should say is "Not Planning Family." I'm checking out the lube cause we're almost out of Astroglide, too. I grab a bottle of that. Then I'm checking out the other lube and they have this "Play" stuff that's made by Durex with menthol in it. It's supposed to make your va-jay-jay all tingly. Now I'm remembering the Gold Bond incidents at a friend's house years ago and I have to try it. If you've never had Gold Bond on your va-jay-jay, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it. So, let's recap. I now have in my arms:
1 humongous bag of mini Reese's cups
1 package (12) marshmallow Peeps brand bunnies
1 box (3) Cadbury creme eggs
1 package (12) mini Cadbury creme eggs (adorably packaged in a little egg carton)
1 bottle (10 oz. - the big one) of Astroglide Personal Lubricant
1 bottle (8 oz.) of Durex Play personal lubricant
Sounds like a recipe for one wild party, right? I'm all set except for my condoms. I'm extremely pleased to see that they have the Lifestyles Ultra-sensitive ("Almost like wearing nothing at all") Brand. They're hanging up by the little tabs on the top of the box. I reach down to grab one and notice that there is a little red plastic lock on the end of the bar from which my desired prophylactics are hanging!! Now I am realizing, to my horror, that I am going to have to go to the counter, get the one available employee, who by the way, looks like he is about 15, and tell him that, "Hey, I need a box of condoms," hang out in the "Family Planning" section while he gets the keys and point out that I need the value size 36 count box of Lifestyles Ultra-sensitive ("Almost like wearing nothing at all") brand, with my arms full of candy and lube. And that's exactly what happened. I'm just glad we weren't out of Hershey's chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I would have had to just go somewhere else for my rubbers if that were the case.
I know I said I'm not embarrassed to buy rubbers, but there is a huge difference between taking your condoms to the counter, where both parties involved can just pretend that the cashier doesn't know someone's tapping your ass tonight, and having to chase down an employee to tell him directly to his face "Hi, I'm getting laid later and I need the biggest box of condoms you sell. Thanks." Let's lock up the maxi pads and hemorrhoid cream while we're at it.
I honestly thought I was going to die of embarrassment. Have you ever tried to NOT blush when you are completely mortified? There's no way to NOT blush. It's like trying to sneeze with your eyes open. Impossible. Anyway, I paid for all my shit and I was outta there. It didn't occur to me until I was halfway home and my face had faded to merely pink instead of crimson, that I could have just ripped the damn tab on the top of the box, taken them to the counter and been like, "I'm not stealing these, obviously, but I am not about to ask a 15 year old boy if I can have some rubbers. Thanks." God, was that humiliating. I'm buying my birth control on the Internet from now on.