Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Turn Your Head and Cough
First off, let me just apologize for posting about my who-haw twice in a row. I can't help it. My va-jay-jay has been very busy lately. Also, it's a riveting topic of discussion.
I have my annual gynecological pelvic exam and pap smear scheduled for today. I hate that shit. You think I bitched about my period? You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Gyno exams, much like tampons, are seriously cruel. My experience in the past 8 years, since I lost my virginity, has led me to associate having someone between my legs with intense physical pleasure.
More specifically, naked with legs open = freaky da nasty. There is absolutely no freaky da nasty involved during a gyno exam. I can't think of anything less erotic. Other than kiddie porn. But that's just me, and I'm sure everyone who's ever been arrested on "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" would disagree.
Here's a list of everything I hate about going to the gyne (in order of occurrence)
1. Peeing in a cup - When you have a dick, peeing in a cup is not a challenge. When you don't, peeing in a cup goes something like this: you squat OVER the toilet, trying desperately to keep your balance, while you position the cup and try to piss in it, and not on it. A couple tablespoons of urine may hit the mark. You pray this is the case, otherwise you're sucking down a 20 ounce bottle of water and starting all over. The other cup and a half of smelly liquid waste ends up all over the toilet and your hands. It doesn't get on your pants, because you have enough experience attempting this circus act that you've wisely removed them.
2. Getting naked in an examination room - Make no mistake, you're naked. Completely, butt ass naked. Naked like Santonio Holmes in the shower naked. Sure they give you some disposable hospital johnny, but you have to put it on with the opening in the front. That's so they can feel up your ha-ha's as well as go spelunking in your lady cave. Plus, the temperature control is usually set just above freezing to make sure your nipples are nice and hard for good measure.
3. Putting my feet in those God-forsaken stirrups - Ugh. Do I really need to explain this one? It sucks. End of story.
4. Making small talk - This could be said for any of my life situations. I hate small talk. I hated it when I was still single and dating and I hate it now that I'm married. It's awkward, and 9 times out of 10 no one cares about the answers to the questions they're asking. But when a person who sees me once a year is fondling my breasts or peering at my cervix and asking me if it's hot enough for me, it makes me want to pull my foot out of the stirrup and kick him/her right in the face. Get in and get out!! I'm just going to lay here and focus on keeping a death grip on the very small amount of dignity I have left. Thanks so much.
5. Personal questions - No, I don't mean personal questions such as, "When was your last period?" There's no getting around that one. The questions that I cannot stand are questions like, "Did you shave recently?" Um, I don't see how your having that knowledge is going to make this end any sooner. And if you're not qualified enough to tell the difference between some razor bumps and genital warts, this is definitely the last time you're gonna see my flesh flower.
6. The Speculum - have you seen what those things look like? If not, brace yourselves. They look like medieval torture devices. And I have to go and voluntary have one plunged into my body. Most of the time they only have to do it once. The first time I ever went to have an exam, they put me alone in a room with an incompetent Physician's assistant student and they let her stab me with that shoe horn-lookin' bastard three frigging times before she finally got it positioned correctly. Then she said the five words that no one with her feet in stirrups ever wants to hear, "I've never seen that before." That's when I started crying.
I guess it could be worse. Talking to a female co-worker this afternoon, I discovered that her doctor does a rectal exam while she's down there. That's Mr. Pitsberger's territory.
Side note: doing a Google image search for "speculum" at work is not a wise idea. Also, I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that people get turned on by this(NSFW!!)