Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I Hate my Uterus
I've been going through the same shit every single month for 17 years and I still despise it. I cannot deal with my period. I whine like a little girl when I know it's coming. I try to squeeze in all the sex possible with Mr. Pitsberger. Then I whine like a little girl when it arrives. Cramps are a bitch, dude. I feel like something is living in my lower abdomen and it is trying desperately to escape by kicking and punching the walls of my lady parts repeatedly. And it can't get out that way, so it tries my lower back.
Most people who have chronic monthly pain go to the doctor and the doctor tries to help them and in most cases, there are drugs or surgery or whatever to fix it. No. I have to suffer in silence. Ok, so suffering in silence isn't accurate since I'm writing a blog about it, but it's suffering just the same. It's not so much the pain that precedes and accompanies the period as the colossal pain in the ass that is caused when your va-jay-jay bleeds for five days straight. Having your genitals and asshole wet for the better part of a week is no barrel of monkeys. Pads are devices of torture made to show the world that no, there's no point in buying her a drink for the next 3-5 days. And tampons are just cruel. Think about it. They're shaped like little sex toys and they're made for the lady cave, but rather than bringing a woman pleasure, they signify the end of it for days on end.
There's no point in trying to get sympathy from Mr. Pitsberger, cause he just has no clue what it's like. Plus, one speck of blood on his weiner and he freaks out like Jeff Gillooly is heading toward him and is aiming high. So, Ladies, below I've come up with 10 ways to help your husband/boyfriend/fathers/cousins/brothers understand what a monster that monthly visitor really is.
Ten Ways to help your man understand what it's like to have a period
1. Have him lay down (preferably on a hard surface) and beat him repeatedly in the abdomen with a baseball bat. Get him to turn over and repeat on lower back.
2. Piss him off so badly that although he wants to stop screaming at you, he just can't.
3. Fill a condom with corn syrup and make him wear it for five days straight.
4. Rub his inner thighs with 60 grit sandpaper to simulate chafing. Repeat between butt cheeks.
5. Punch him in the chest 150 times, 75 hits on each side.
6. Do not allow him any kind of sexual gratification for 3-5 days. This includes self-stimulation.
7. Smear olive oil all over his face, paying special attention to chin, nose and forehead. Throw some in his hair too.
8. Smash his new, 50" plasma screen TV, forcing uncontrollable sobbing. This might also work for #2.
9. Buy him the ugliest, most unflattering underwear you can possibly find. Make sure you get at least five pairs.
10. Put him in a diaper. The bulkier, the better. Then make him carry one to the bathroom so everyone at his workplace knows he's wearing it.
Try these suggestions and I guarantee that your man will be ready with a hot water bottle, some Tylenol and a back massage every month when TOM shows up.
Side note: That picture is not of me, but it totally could be.